I woke up thinking about him today. I miss him and I wonder if he misses me. My dad said that there really is a silver lining in every cloud, you just have to look for it. And I want to believe there is. I hated my first three years at my school, until I found out about the LJ program and now I've found my passion; I was crushed when my first boyfriend and I broke up, but after I learned to be myself in a relationship and if we had stayed together I would have never met Chris. And now, I don't know what I'm searching for but I'm slowly understanding people more for who they are. I'm learning to really put myself in their positions and understand people as humans and what that entails. I could stay angry and betrayed, but in the end I really just hope the best for him. I hope someday he'll figure things out. And for now, I'm just moving forward because deep down inside life will always thrill me.
Its sad when the one you love won't comfort you at 8 in the morning, especially when they're across an ocean and on vacation in a foreign country and you have a fucking essay due the next day and all you wanted was a chat because you're crying and have been thinking of them all day. fuck this.
I think one of the things we hate as humans is uncertainty. The uncertainty of not knowing what happens next after a major change. This ambiguous state drives a lot of things I think, from relationships to politics. We fight and break up when we are faced with a change or even the thought of change or the thought of not knowing. We fight wars and start controversies when the state of our nation and the integrity of our people are challenged, changed, and pushed into a state in which the outcome is indeterminate. And so we, as people, categorize, pick apart, label, and imagine a state of determinacy, which we stick by and hold fast to as our salvation of reason. But, today I realized how inane this all is. This attempt to imagine a world in which we can control by setting up limits and boundaries and convincing ourselves that by doing so we will find happiness in the comfort and assurance of knowing. When really, if we just focused on understanding ourselves as people and these changes, we would probably be a lot better off as a species and more specifically, as individuals.
I feel sick to my stomach. I hate this so much. I hate hate hate hate hate this so much. But he told me that its something he wants to do and he's going to do it. So its ok I guess.
I am so scared, I can't sleep I'm so scared and sad. I want to throw up everything I feel and watch it fall onto the ground like vulgar confetti.
I hate this I hate this so much. I want this to stop. Please please please make this go away.
Today I did something that makes my heartache. He hung up the phone when I was crying and told me to screw off. So I told him I probably should. And that's where we are now. Sometimes, I wish the world was perfect and people didn't break hearts.
And now he's leaving for England and I'm scared of everything. I am sad that he would do that because I would never leave him in a town of wolves, but he's so excited for the grey skies and rainy days that I can't bring myself to stop.
He'll be gone for a long time and I'm scared that by then I'll be eaten alive and he will be happy under gloomy weather.
I want to bang my knees until they bleed and hold my tears until they swallow me whole, until I no longer have to feel this way.
